Tuesday, January 10, 2012
The toaster that gets you dates!
I know that ordinary little things can lead to interesting and important musings. But take days like today. Bought a toaster. No emotional or philosophical implications. No drama at Costco. No fires or thefts led to replacing the old one. It wore out. That's all.
Nothing to write about. At least, that's what I thought. Then I read the Instruction Manual.
I won't razz the people who need instructions on how to toast. There are too many people who hand over their bank account numbers on email-request, or who eat the silica gel pak in the aspirin bottle. They probably need a course in toasting.
I will quietly acknowledge the genuine need for those instructions, and move on to Item Two in the list of warnings:
The danger of Toasting Alone!
I was unprepared for this restriction on my toasting freedom. Sure, I don't live alone, but what if Larry goes out of town? Or even just up to the Home Deepot? And maybe I want toast, and maybe I don't want to wait till he gets back. Do I await my Attendant, or eat something safer, or heck! just throw caution to the wind and toast with abandon?
It's grossly unfair that there's no notice on the box warning you that this toaster cannot be used by single persons. They get your money, you go home and unpack it and not only are your hopes of making a crunchy, buttery piece of toast dashed, but your mental competence has been insulted, AND the toaster is pouring salt into the wound of your unattached status.
But then it hit me. They've done you a favor! Finding a new and amusing pick-up line is never easy but this toaster gives you one for free.
You spot an attractive prospect. You sidle up to the bar and do all the "Hi, what government program would you cut?" or whatever they're icebreaking with now. Then, with shy charm, you say: "Look, I need your help. I'm not allowed to make toast tomorrow morning unless I have...you know....somebody else there. I sure hate to be all alone and toastless..."
The instructions fold for easy pocket transport to the local bar, so when you encounter skepticism, you can even produce the interdiction against toasting alone.
And I wlll say that it makes lovely toast.