Thursday, December 08, 2011

Christmas rudeness

I've been waffling about posting this for 5 years.  Seriously.  It has sat in draft mode since December 2006, while I worried about whether it was too mean and snarky, too ill-timed, always too-something-or-other.  Apologies.  I want the yearly "Should I post it?"  dilemma to go away, so here it is.

I wrote it to vent my frustration, back when very dear relatives were sending me the most godawful glurge emails ever.  Though I was tempted, I never actually emailed this spoof back out to them in response.  It's been so long that long-form glurge is really a thing of the past.  It lives on in short form as Facebook posts  ("If you don't copy and post this as your status, then you do not love - [your spouse, your kid, Jesus, America]!!  C'mon folks, who's with me?!").

But meanwhile, 5 years is a long time to leave an unposted draft in the queue, and I'm tired of looking at it every December and wondering, "Should I ....? Nah, let me think it over a little longer."  Lemme just "publish" and get it over with...

•*¨`*•. ☆ .•*¨`*•

Once there was an elderly shopkeeper. One snowy Christmas Eve he was closing up for the night when a little boy and a woman came to the door.

"Please!" begged the little boy. "Have you seen a puppy?"

"Why no, son," answered the old man. "I haven't seen any puppies. Have you lost one?"

The boy looked very sad. "He was my Christmas present. I told mom I wanted a puppy more than anything in the whole world, and she got me one, but he's missing! Somebody mighta stole him!"

The boy's mother finally spoke up. "Timmy, why don't you go check the alley in the back. Mister, is it OK for him to go to your back door and check the alley there?"

"Certainly, young man. Right through there." The man pointed.

"Say, that's a swell idea!" said Timmy and headed for the back door.

When he was out of hearing the woman said to the old man, "Please, mister! There was never any puppy. We can't afford one, but Timmy wanted one so much, I told him that the puppy was stolen, so he'd think I could give him his heart's desire. Please go along with it so he will think I got him a puppy!"

"Of course," said the old man.

Just then, Timmy came back in the front, looking glum. "I didn't see him in the alley."

The old man looked down and said, "Timmy, there's something I have to tell you. I cooked your puppy and ate him for dinner. I'm very poor and I thought he was a stray that had no one to care about him. I'm so sorry."

Timmy screamed and burst into tears. His mother looked at the man in horror and then she knelt down and held her son. "Timmy that's not true!  Nobody cooked your puppy!  There never was any puppy!  I couldn't afford one, so I told you he was stolen!  I didn't mean to hurt you."

Timmy wiped his eyes and said, "That was mean!" and went out to the car.

His mother said to the man, "How could you say that to him?!"

The old man answered, "I bet you never lie to your kid again." Then he went home and brewed up a nice cup of spicy Christmas tea.



Sherwood Harrington said...

Thank you so much for going ahead and letting this post see the light of Blogger. It tickles the evil part of my funnybone just deliciously.

... and speaking of those obnoxious Facebook copy-and-post-this-or-you-are-a-horrid-person "status" updates: Gah. Too many of my contacts there do that stuff, and it annoys the bejeebers out of me. Right now, on split-screen, I'm looking at one from an old high school buddy. It shows a hairless little girl drawing hair on her reflection in the mirror, and below that is this message, verbatim:

"Most of u won't repost this because apparently your 'TOO COOL' but really your selfish. Repost this in honor of those fighting cancer."

As I said, gah. Reminds me of the classic National Lampoon cover showing a cute dog with a gun held to its head and the words "Buy this magazine or we shoot the dog."

Dann said...

Perfect! I expect to with a crediting link this in the near future.

ronnie said...

I laughed so hard I had to wipe my eyes. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

My father sends me those horrible glurgy emails on a regular basis. I especially like that he sends them to my work email, which he lists unhidden along with the 130 other people I barely know that he sends them to. It is a measure of how much I love him that I will resist the temptation to send this post to him. But I can't speak for some of my other correspondents.

PS Sherwood, I like that the originator couldn't even spell "you're" right... twice...

Mike said...

Had a "It's not 'Happy Holidays,' it's Christmas!' shared message on Facebook the other day, festooned with pictures of Santa and trees.

I guess the message is, "I can take Christ out of Christmas without your help, dammit!"

southernyankee said...

I too am glad you finally posted this.

The nugget of truth always seems forgotten this time of year whether one is a true believer, a part time believer, or just someone who thinks, "Yes, an excuse for spiked eggnog."

Well, maybe the last one is an expression of truth disguised as escapism.

Christy said...

I have tears running down my face from laughing so hard! Thanks for this laugh - I really, really needed it tonight!