Dear feedback whiners. SHUT it.

Honest, eBay customers who gasp their outrage that we have not left adoring feedback for them, within some timetable they have in their little heads, get a nice, friendly response. Really they do.

Some seem not so much outraged as truly worried if they gave us a good rating and we didn't reciprocate IMMEDIATELY, and I alleviate their worry with kindness and a casual mention that many big sellers have automated feedback service that spits out a return compliment the instant the received feedback posts. Those automatons make life a lot harder for the manual operators like us.

But, while I am not a nice person, I am not self-destructive, so I'm also pleasant and courteous to the obnoxious ones. I can't actually answer feedback whiner emails with anything like what I really want to say, so I get it off my chest here.

Man, we really need a vacation.

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Dear moron.

We are in receipt of your demand that we leave feedback about what a swell buyer you are, and that we do it right now.

The answer is that we DO leave feedback for buyers, ALWAYS.

And we do it whether you leave feedback for us or not. It is not contingent...

...wait. That may be too big a word for you. Let me dumb that down some: It is not dependent on your leaving it for us.

Well, we leave it for every buyer, except under the following circumstances:

We do not leave it when buyers insult us. And;
We do not leave it when they threaten us.

Here is...

FEEDBACK 101. You're welcome:

1. Feedback is voluntary. You don't have to give it and we don't have to give it.

2. It exists only to help other buyers.
It does make us feel good. We actually care whether our customers are happy.
But the feedback system exists not to warm anybody's hearts, but to guide your fellow buyers as to which sellers are good.

3. It's only a guide to identifying good sellers, not to rate buyers.
You seem to have missed the highly publicized free pass that eBay gave you buyers a couple years ago, so let me enlighten you - there is no such thing as bad feedback for buyers anymore. No matter how you cheat or abuse us, we can't leave you anything but good feedback.

This makes our leaving you feedback at all mostly meaningless.

The one time it matters is when the buyer is very new to eBay and has practically no feedback points. New buyers do need to accumulate a few, so that sellers know you understand the buying process.

But, Holy Guano, people! Years later, when a buyer has, like a hundred or more, it makes no sense for him/her to give a crap about getting his/her little petting session for every transaction.

Here's the End of Chapter Summary:

You are rating the seller as to whether you got good dollar value and reasonably-priced prompt delivery.

You are not rating the seller as to whether he/she stroked your fur and said Good Fluffy.

You are rating the seller to help other buyers.

We leave buyer feedback as a thank-you to customers, and in that sense it does matter, because we really do appreciate them, and if you had not whined "Where's my feedback?!" it would have appeared from us anyway in a few days, with the appreciative tone that we sincerely feel.

So your shrill email telling us that you left it for US three whole MINUTES ago, WHY haven't we reciprocated??!? is a waste of your time, as well as obnoxious.

We will leave it. We do it in batches, so try not to freak out for the next few days and yours will be in the next lot we do. That your self-esteem is jonesing for us to drop everything and do it is bizarre. Maybe you should talk to somebody.

But we will not do it at all, if you hold yours hostage. Emails saying "I will not leave it for you until you leave it for me!" will get us to shrug and say, Be our guest.

Because, see, we care about doing a good job, but we really don't give a hang that we'll have 4801 feedbacks instead of 4802! Our world will shatter. Not. You can keep waiting and the transaction will time out and we're peachy with that. Capiche?

Your withholding feedback only hurts other buyers, if it hurts anybody.

So hold it hostage. We'd care but we're a little busy over here being vigilant about the condition of our merchandise, about accurate description, about getting you the best shipping deal (which sometimes takes research), and packaging your stuff securely, and addressing it legibly, and hoping you effing enjoy it.


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There. I feel better now.