Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Temperamental Tuesday

I've decided this should be Temperamental Tuesday.

I've had nuisance allergies before. I've never had incapacitating allergies and not breathing for days on end puts me in a foul mood. This week I'd like to be The Queen of Everything and ban the following:

1. "Flirty." If ONE more lameass publication trills about how "fabulous" it is for a woman to be, look, dress, live "flirty," and how she should long to achieve flirtiness, I will have to find someone to kill for it. This demeaning goal for women must be destroyed immediately.

2. Use of the word "dated" on HGTV. "Oh gawd, that is so-o-o dated." Anything that is not steel gray or mushroom beige is "dated." I guess a neat, clean, simple-design working oven that has a dial with numerals in an outdated font won't roast chicken.

3. Spies -- In my novel, I show rather cynical young women making fun of the fictitious college's Seven Ideals. I based these on the Ten Ideals, which were a real tradition at my college that we in the 70's considered a relic of the past. In that, we probably were a little too cynical, and at first, when I heard that the college has now revived it, I thought that might be kind of nice. But come to find out they've revived it as a secret society that evaluates people without their knowledge, including stalking them online to make sure they're Worthy. I am real real glad I'm not a student there right now because I find this appalling.

I know, it's only to give awards, not to criticize or penalize. I don't care. When I read : "Members agree the secrecy is fun and makes sense because it keeps students and employees accountable for their actions by not knowing who might be watching them," I shuddered.

4. Dear Quality Paperback Book Club - Finding me after a decade and sending a perky "We want you back" letter was rather impressive, but writing to my former married name was a big big mistake. If you have this address at all, you know that name isn't listed here and therefore isn't my name anymore. QPBRUstupid?

5. Styrofoam bras. 80% of every lingerie department consists of stiff preformed-foam brassieres that could drive home from the mall by themselves. Really. Go shopping and look. The racks look like a model for a domed colony on the moon.

6. Cell Phone assumptions -- You..have..one..new..message: "Hey, I'm the delivery guy for Chairs-r-Us. Call me back before 4 if you want your chair today. Bye." WHAT is your frikkin number? ...Oh, a thousand pardons, what am I thinking? Those of us who cling to the prehistoric land line and don't have each caller's number displayed shouldn't expect the world to accommodate our idiocy. Let me make several calls trying to chase down your number. I beg your forgiveness. Not.

7. Reptile prints. On clothes. On accessories. On anything. Make them go away.

I'll be normal again soon. Honest.


ronnie said...

*Standing Ovation*

BRAVO, Madam. Especially on the "styrofoam bras" that could "drive home from the mall by themselves."

I literally LOL'd.

Mike Peterson said...

Will someone please hide the allergy meds? I'd hate to have to hire a crop duster to spread pollen simply to keep these posts coming ...

Sherwood Harrington said...

I can't help it. Whenever I see or hear the word "flirty," these lyrics sprint through my brain:

She was common, flirty,
She looked about thirty!
I would have run away but I was on my own
She told me later she’s a machine operator
She said she liked the way I held the microphone...

... and now I'm trying to imagine Chopper 5's Eye in the Sky traffic update on a crowd of styrofoam bras at the toll plaza.

I'm with Mike on this one; let's keep you sick if that's what it takes. (Not that there's anything wrong with your regular posts -- this one's just pyrotechnic.)

southernyankee said...

Um, just what did you mean by normal again?

Nein to hiding meds.

Catherine said...

Yes, the bra thing is very annoying. No nice soft cotton bras any longer. Everything is about "enhancement" now. As if that's all we women are made of ...

Dann said...

RE: #5. I agree. We men walk by the rack and that little switch in the back of our heads goe......


Where were we?

Oh yes. #5. Exactamente, mi hermana! You go walking through the department store, turn the corner, and there are all those preformed things that loo....


...aaaand that is why iron ore was such an important import for the early Cleveland steel mills. Either that or washing machines.

God bless America.

Nostalgic for the Pleistocene said...

Yall really should not encourage my evil twin.

Dann -- don't look.

Dann said...